it's the SAD time of the year.

yes. very SAD. but unlike being in malaysia, here, being sad this time around is a valid disease state.

SAD= Seasonal Affective Disorder

Symptoms for Fall and winter seasonal affective disorder: (well, yes, they have spring and summer SAD too! i simply cannot imagine. those people must be eskimo or really really really like the cold. that's another story) anyway, symptoms are:

Depression, Hopelessness, Anxiety, (check check check. i feel very hopeless, i find disappointment in many issue) Loss of energy, social withdawal, oversleeping, (check check check, i sleep like 12 hour aday, as to the day light and melatonin production. i m on social withdrawal on many reasons. ) lost of interest in activities you once enjoyed, (i lost my motivation and positivity) appetite changes, esp have craving for high carb food, weight gain, (check check, mom, i m fat now) difficulty concentrating and processing information. (sigh, this is the most frustrating part. i even zoned out when people are talking to me!!! )

so it's confirmed. I am depressed. Blaming the bloody weather.
and this song on the playlist.




but today, I AM GRATEFUL.


it is the many little things that change my perspective. 1stly in the morning, chinyeong tagged me of this pics.

i didnt even know this was taken. it reminded me of how nice to just ignore everything around me and just feel. yesh, at tht moment, i was happy. i felt a glee in my heart, just by acknowledging the warmth of the sun on my face, and i was thankful that i can feel and enjoy it.


and then, yf talked to me. she reminded me of how positive i was. and i was reminded that how good it felt then, to have the mental state to overcome many things.


and then, i stumbled over this at Freshness Factor of Mraz where he answered the questions. I learnt that we should admire everyone for always doing their best, even in times of their failure and times of their most confused moment. I was also reminded bout perspective and reality, that what we see is completely interpreted by our own thoughts.


and then, milo partner came visit. milo partner always know when i m emo. we talked to sis.
Sis' line on Yue lao ignoring her CRACKED me up. i laughed so hard that i was basically filled with endorphin. She reminded me that we are both very lucky, it's karma. and eventhough it seems unfair, but we must always do the right thing, coz the rights always pervail. and no matter how hard it is, HARD HARD also must hang on.

I m reminded of many things today. and i am very greatful. i am grateful that i have so much with me, and so many people who care about me, and i for them. I am very grateful, indeed.

like what sis said, " i m very lucky, i must have done something really good in the past life to deserve this."

Thanks to you who made my day. Sometimes, we just need a lil reminder, and companies to hold our hands, and everything seems better already.

@23

i m 23 now. age may just be numbers. but years gone by, one begins to see things in a different light.

At 23, i realise now what is important to me, and what matters and what doesn't. people whom i care deeply never let me down. and yes, they've certainly made my day a special one,even from afar.. i also learn that one should focus on what is there, not what isn't. appreciate what i have instead of chasing what i should have.

At 23, i realise that things don't always turn out the way i want them to be. and that everything happen for a reason. and no problem cannot be solved.

At 23, i know that i have to stand firm on what i believe in and expect nothing in return. take nothing for granted as things may slip away, and by the time we realised it, we may not be able to have it back anymore.

At 23, i realised my responsibility as a daughter, an older sister and a friend. also as a human who should give back to community. and i have full responsibility to my own behaviour.

today, would just be another day to me. birthday celebration was never a thing for me when i grew up. it's just another day. part of me feels that this day, out of the rest of 364 days, is a day about me. and today, amidst the good wishes, i realised many things, and suddenly, i feel older now. and suddenly, i realise that i can see things in a different light that would ease my mind. before today ends, i hope i will have a clear mind and strong heart to deal with whatever that comes, firm feet to stand up for what i believe in, and a bigger heart to accept what was previouly intolerable.

here comes the sun.

just like the song from the beatles Here comes the sun.

i love the way music puts it. i can feel the sun ray jingles. i feel that i can hear the sun! =)

Lying on my back, i see...

and i love reading, eating, talking, not talking, listening under the sun.

campus looks so much nicer with sunshine and shadows..

it's getting colder here, all these were the sunny pics of june sunshine. i am gonna miss the warmer weather....

Good thing is, i am gonna get myself baked and tanned in Europe for 2 weeks! Can't wait for it. =)

i just wanna curl up and die

Semester 6 is very very very near the end now (that is if i pass all my papers, then semester 6 will be my once-in-a-life-time experience, and i assure you, i only want it to be a ONCE-IN-A-LIFE-TIME experience).

I have Anterograde amnesia. i cannot hafal anything since i landed in sem 6.

I feel like i've aged at least 5 years now. It's that exhausting.

I feel i've grown (or shrunk) alot. compared with previous sem, having study break and still panicking, sem 6 we go to finals WITHOUT study break. and i am not even panicking. I am not saying i have been studying and well-prepared. i feel i have achieved another level of calmness. why?
a. panicking is a waste of time.
b. panicking or not i still wont be able to finish study and memorise everything.
c. worry is a story i tell myself. and converse my worry with other ppl will not help
yups, i was in tht mental state, so i was too pressure free and almost, almost at the state of giving up.

all these leads to... blank of mind. and in exam hall, blank of mind is not good.
i don't know how i did.
i didn't try my best (or at least, i feel i didn't. "Try my best feels like a state where you have to be very panicky and under pressure the whole time, and can't function too normally. i was too calm throughout.)

so, we'll see.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror
Who do you see looking back?
Is it the person you want to be?
or is there someone else you were meant to be,
the person you should have been,
but fell short off.

If someone telling you that you can't, that you won't?
Because you Can!

Believe that love is out there.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

Sometimes, happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power.
Sometimes, happiness comes from good friends and family,
and from the nobility of leading a good life.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

So take a look at that mirror.
and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. Believe that.
and Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.


-from OTH S6 finale.

yes they do. i am living my UK dream now. like sis, she is living her US dream.
yes they do. and when they come true, i am going to appreciate every moment of it.

Restless

YEA i m alive, just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting, coz i don't know what to say... so below, it's a piece Nursery Rhyme (it's a sad one) i shall share. i find it beautiful, but sad.

A man of words and not of deeds

Is like a garden full of weeds

And when the weeds begin to grow

It's like a garden full of snow

And when the snow begins to fall

It's like a bird upon the wall

And when the bird away does fly

It's like an eagle in the sky

And when the sky begins to roar

It's like a lion at the door

And when the door begins to crack

It's like a stick across your back

And when your back begins to smart

It's like a penknife in your heart

And when your heart begins to bleed

You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

find the words really beautiful. ancient nursery rhyme can be rather creepy eh...

Anyway, a month into Scots. Pics says more than words, so pics will tell the stories of where i've been, what i've seen, and how chubby i've become. yes indeed! all sit and many meals made yz a very chubby person.

And when your heart begins to bleed, You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

i feel rather restless lately, and confused. my heart feels like it's about to explode soon. it feels so... it cant contained whatever it is inside. i dunno how to put it into words. it's just a feeling. everything is fine here, except my brain. hahaha. will see how it goes.

today is June 4th

a look at the date. *gasp*

can't believe is June already. it seems to impossible. one moment i was stil going kl and back multiple times, worrying over visa, the next minute i know, i m leaving in 5 days!

Am i excited? yea, in a way.... i am having mixed feeling about this whole thing. it's so little time!
the true relief and rest (i mean total relief, before this i was having fun, but at the back of my mind the thought of visa popped up once in a while.) came sooo late, i feel that i am hardly ready!

and.... i've never been oversea before. or rather, out of the country. (yes, not even s'pore.)

and.... i am not even done packing. i am in serious dilemma of what NOT to bring. if can i wanna bring EVERYTHING.

and...... most of all, i think as much as i am looking forward to spending a year in UK, as grass is probably greener and moon brighter at the other side, i think i am going to miss Home...